Casin

When I wake up,

I’ve no longer forgotten.

Sleep only works when I’m under.

I think and feel,

It all comes back,

Cold lightening and burning thunder.

The anxiety returns,

And I’m back to myself.

No more outer body glory.

I become aware,

The blood rushes back,

My mind descends from the third story. 

No amount of stretching, or breathing could relieve me of this.

I’m always bound by imaginary ropes and bands,

Pressing me down by the waist, knees, and feet.

My neck is free, moving side to side demanding a new view for my eyes.

My hands tighten and clench, rise up, and come down to cradle my head.

I scream my thoughts through gestures and sighs.

But I can’t get myself to make steps, I’m strapped down so tightly.

I reach for doors, keys, anything.

But my feet remain planted.

I wish I didn’t hold grudges.

My knuckles are blinding white.

I can barely see through the hate.

You can’t impress me.

This fucking ugliness, tormented by beauty.

Peeled apart by the sickening sunlight.

Twisting and scratching and bending back fingernails.

Pulling every string to not make it out alive.

Look at this filthy child we’ve created.

Plagued by lust and disgusting misfortune.

Clawing its way from within us.

Surfacing into this shivering world.

Nothing can be done to spare it.

We’ve killed it with creation.

I sleep against a fortress of pillows,

to pretend that you are near

But the castle of your embrace is

stronger than what I have here

A touch so unresponsive.

A movement so involuntary.

Breathing as heavy as machinery allows,

As heavy as the grief your mother will carry.

I can smell you when I move.

And as long as the air blows by me,

I know you’ll be around someway.

Our time together comes and goes

And every time it’s much too quickly

I hope this lasts until our next day.

Say anything

Say anything

I can tell the truth with you

Be anything

Be anything

I can do what I want to do

It’s everything

Oh everything

I’m so in love with you

I carry a bag with me

So I can pick up the pieces of your life

And throw them away when you’re done

I was careful not to step too harshly

Not as harshly as my words

But some of the pieces are cracked and gone

You say I walk too aggressively

I say you hold on too loosely

Cause they’re falling everywhere

But still I walk behind you

Sweeping up like I should

You don’t notice or care

I’m exhausted

You’re running on heartache

I’m just sleep walking

I can’t communicate

I cannot speak

There is no more talking

Shake me

Wake me

Break me so I don’t have to do this anymore

Believe me

Deceive me

Leave me so I can push my feet to the floor

I can’t stand to think back to all that time I felt taken care of.

Cause all I know now is that manipulation that I didn’t see then.

And I can’t stand to think back at how much I poured into you.

Only for it all to be used against me and stabbed into me over and over again.

You looked at me through such deceitful eyes wishing on me blindness.

And today I can’t even recognize who is looking back at me in the mirror.

How could you twist my brain around into something it was never meant to be?

Through panicked fits and crying eyes nothing ever looks clear.

Gunshots give me goose bumps,

Hospitals are so inhospitable.

It’s irrational to believe the impossible,

But foolish to try to forget truth.

I was so young that yesterday,

And so much older now that’s over.

But I still see the wicked scenery,

And count the calls of the clock tower.

I watch your taillights fade into the trees

And that’s all it took to convince me

That this thing isn’t over and it’s never gonna be

Now matter where we go and no matter who we see

It really doesn’t take me all that long

To miss you when you’re outta here and gone

I’m only thirty seconds into the song

And the beat sounds like your voice, so strong

I’ve grown accustomed to coming home this way,

With notes so short with so much to say.

You spill over like you’re over flown,

And I think too much like I’m overgrown.

With nothing to lose but my sanity,

I might as well dream outta reality.

Maybe nothing could ever be as easy,

But I haven’t any sails and it’s getting kinda breezy.

I don’t know if I can hold on tight,

All I know is I have to tread light.

Inside my mind things seem crazy,

Out of my eyes things look hazy.

Out of my head I can’t get your face.

I’m starving and hungry for this new space.

Feed me the fuel that you call snake bites.

My tongue just wants to know what they taste like.

This warm December morning has me confused.

The sun is getting tired, it’s so overused.

I’m ready for the cold and grey and huddle.

My dripping heart is getting less and less subtle.

So pretend I’m not crazy and out of control.

Pretend my brain is intact and whole.

I’m okay to keep up this charade.

If you keep the promises you never made.